March 24th will be 4 years that Jerry and I are together. When we met he was 6 months out of rehab for Alcohol. I warned him I had a rough time with my recent ex boyfriend who had a pretty heavy drinking problem and I would not live like that again. EVER! When Kevin left we found 56 empty bottles hidden around the house, sheds and carporch. I had heard they found 33 empties at the job he left behind. I really loved Kevin. We were so good for the first couple of years then it started driving downward and eventually it got ugly. Jerry and I were good for the first couple of years and after a year and a half he started drinking again. He mainly sticks to beer. Most days are two or three a night but he has his binges. In both cases there were issues involving my kids. My son is 25 and my daughter is 18. My son has moved in and out since he was 21. Just can't seem to build a foundation. He became a father at 19. The bio Mom is a disaster so basically my granddaughter is being raised by her Grandmothers. Which is a whole other story of drama in itself. Kevin was an amazing PopPop no matter what was going on. Jerry loves Viv but he doesn't have that connection Kevin did. They are both opinionated on my parenting skills though here is the clincher neither one raised any of their kids to adulthood nor have a decent relationship with their kids. Though I heard rumor Kevin reconnected with his son when he went to Florida.
Lately old boyfriends have been coming out of the woodwork with interest. I have almost always been able to maintain a friendship with old boyfriends. Mike being the most stable. Recently divorced, kids almost grown, non-judgmental and loves to get out and do stuff like odd little concerts, exploring nature and is only looking for companionship. I am sure if we hung out and I was not attached there would be some fringe benefits. He has a stable teaching job. If nothing else I would love to be his friend and go on day trips and stuff with him. Which of course Jerry wouldn't approve.
Joe Joe Baby is my Harry from When Harry Met Sally. He is my Paul from Mad About You. We have a connection. We love each other and always have and always will. It is a spiritual connection. Somehow when we try connecting in the real world it just doesn't stick. I feel like we have known and loved each other for centuries. Like if I did a past life reading he would be my lover for always. My biggest issues with him is that he leaves the toilet seat up and is often late. Which seems a stupid reason not to be with someone you love. He is married now. With issues. I think he should do whatever he can to make that work first.
Despite my fickleness I do not want to hurt anyone. Especially Jerry. I am so grateful to him. He turned my home from shambles into Shambala. He is attentive sometimes a little too attentive. I truly believe he loves me. Love isn't always enough. I love him but am not in love with him anymore. I am sick of the drinking. He smells like Kevin used to. To the point I can't sleep in the same bed with him anymore. I also can't deal with his criticisms involving the kids. He needs to stay out of it and mind his own business. If he doesn't like something either deal with it or leave. I want him to leave. I want him to want to leave. I wish someone from his past would come along and sweep him away so he can be happy and feel good about leaving. Even find someone new. There are so many areas we are incompatible. We view the world and people so differently. He has prejudices that bother me. I just don't want to hurt him after all he has done.
Here is the insane part. I cannot get Kevin out of my head for the past few months. I can't stop thinking about him. Maybe it is the beer smell. I miss what a good Pop Pop he was to Viv. I miss naughty things that he was SO good at. Maybe it is the fact he is still carrying the heart shaped rose quartz I gave him in 2014 in his pocket despite all of the crap. I don't want to go backwards. I don't know if he is still drinking and even if he says he isn't I don't know if I can trust him. I would like to give him the beast when I get a new vehicle. I know he will take good care of her. I wish we could be friends and Viv could have him back as a Pop Pop.
If I am honest with myself. I love all of this attention. I also really do not want to hurt anyone. I have gone from relationship to relationship without a break since Jon (my second husband) and I split in 2012. Jon cheated and had an online affair and was also confused about his sexuality. We stayed friends as long as possible he even lived in my basement for 3 years. Sadly overstayed his welcome and we are no longer even friends. I need a break. I think I really need a break. I need to be alone for a while. At LEAST a year and get my head and heart together and figure out who I am on my own. I need to find a time to sit with Jerry and be honest with him and let the chips fall where they may. Let him know how I really feel. I just can't seem to find the right time. I don't want to do it before the weekend and have my granddaughter deal with our drama. Tomorrow we go for our first Covid Vaccines together. We also share a dog and a cat. Jack is more his dog. Stevie is my cat. They love each other too.
Excuses. Fear. Selfishness. Jerry is not a bad guy. He doesn't deserve to be hurt. Lies hurt more than truth in the end. I have not cheated. I will not cheat and hurt him that way.
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