http://www.newestyork.co/bazzini-vibe-check
December 1, 2019 — Readers, we are a mystic faith.
Someone once said, “God is a circle whose center is everywhere.”
For years, I believed it was Sor Juana Ines de la Cruz, the badass poet, composer, musician, thinker and Hieronymite nun of 17th century Mexico but I just found out it was Nicholas of Cusa, 15th century German Catholic mystic and astronomer.
I like to go on believing it was Sor Juana.
And since God is a circle whose center is everywhere, the ubiquitous-in-NYC-and-seemingly-nowhere-else nut and confection products of the Bazzini family company are the center of the circle of God. I, of course, mean this metaphysically, figuratively, and above all, literally.
I dare you to walk 100 yards in any direction in New York City and not find yourself looking at a Bazzini rack.
Not sure what I mean by Bazzini rack? That sucks.
A Bazzini rack is what we call the gorgeous obelisk you’ll find at every single newsstand, bodega, deli, and subway station magazine stand, displaying rows upon rows of hanging pouches full of Bazzini’s finest, small-batch nuts and confections.
Have you ever been drunk and walked into a bodega only to be overwhelmed by the sense that something is not right? Like Y2K actually happened? Like you are in Canada? Like there’s been a tear in the simulation backdrop? You may have found yourself in one of the rare bodegas (sadly they exist) with no Bazzini rack. Maybe you’re even in front of a (I can barely even type it) Planters display or (my God, I’m sorry) a dilapidated Trophy Nuts rack.
It’s not difficult to see that Bazzini is the glue holding it all together. But even more nuanced realities -- messages we can decipher only when the veil between the worlds is thinned -- are there for us to read beneath the fluorescent lights... if only we knew how, our faces awash in the blue and gold reflections bouncing off the small plastic baggies.
Luckily, I do know how. And I’m finally ready to share what your Bazzini choice is trying to tell you.
Close your eyes, extend your hand toward an imaginary rack, and make your choice. Where do you find yourself?
almonds and apricots
If you choose Almonds and Apricots, you are lying to yourself but in a positive way. This choice makes no sense. It is both dainty and insane. I chose this pack once, I believe shortly before I had a nervous breakdown. Raw almonds and dried apricots. So fucking wild of you to do that. I want to hang out with you and potentially kiss. I want to read your journal. Your current journal and your childhood journal. I think you would be insufferable and also… do you have bangs? This is complicated and it’s driving me to the brink of madness.
This the Diana Agron of Bazzini. I’m sorry if you don’t understand what I mean.
peanuts and raisins
This choice has a Great Depression aura, big Dust Bowl energy. Raisin and Nut Party Mix is really similar and has a more fun name and includes some more fun nuts and seeds, but you choose Peanuts and Raisins and that says something. Peanuts and Raisins is no nonsense. It’s not fun. That’s not what it’s about. I choose this mix all the time. I remember one ice cold night, I made my way down the sidewalk just off the Myrtle G, thinking about how I could become more like Gwyneth Paltrow (we can talk about this later), and discovered I needed a snack. I thought Peanuts and Raisins would be a good choice because they’re gluten free. It didn’t make a lot of sense, while also making the most sense possible. I ate those peanuts and raisins on the floor next to my bed, becoming more like Gwyneth by the second. Peanuts and Raisins is an amazing Bazzini miracle in its bare-bones utilitarian grace. I would not bring them somewhere nice like the opera (that’s a Pecan Supreme moment, maybe Cashew Imperial), but for the subway or perhaps a municipal building’s waiting room, she’s perfect.
raw almonds
You are a dangerous person, but the world would not spin without danger and destruction.
raisin and nut party mix
This is a transparent selection. “No alarms and no surprises” as some hacky old band once said. This is an amazing pouch. You’re gonna get nuts, you’re gonna get raisins and baby, you’re even gonna get seeds. Those salty sunflower seeds hanging around the bottom of the bag like so much confetti on New Year’s Day. Whatever you like about parties, you’ll find in the pouch, maybe spiritually, maybe literally. For me it’s literal because my favorite thing about parties is that sometimes, there’s a bowl of peanuts at them.
pecan supreme
On my best days, I am a Pecan Supreme woman. Only a few Bazzini mixes have special names that indicate their elevated nature. Pecan Supreme is one of them. In Pecan Supreme you’ll find pecans, walnuts, regular raisins AND golden raisins. Unlike Peanuts and Raisins, you’ll find this Bazzini mix is served in an elegant portion, the exact right amount of snack. Don’t try to make me say “self-care,” because I never will, but you get where I’m going with this.
raw mixed nuts
This is a Tony Perkiss from Heavyweights sort of mania and I’m no stranger to that mania. Love grabbing a Raw Mixed Nuts pouch and just hitting the fucking streets with absolutely no mercy.
raw cashews
This one is upsetting, but I respect you. Sometimes you want to eat a bag of something with no taste but that will leave a weird film on your teeth for the rest of the day. Maybe this is the holiest of vibes. We can’t discount anything. God is mysterious.
unsalted peanuts
You are one with the elements. You are like the desert, simple and everlasting. There is no reach like yours.
salted peanuts
This is a paternal choice. Take pride in fostering your paternal instincts, but do so gently. With Salted Peanuts one runs the risk of missing the point altogether, of getting way ahead of yourself. Keep it light. Take breaks. This is also a huge bag of peanuts and nobody knows why.
cashew imperial
Cashew Imperial is similar to Pecan Supreme, but includes dry roasted cashews. A lot of people hate cashews and I do understand why but I think we need to just think of Cashew Imperial as a sort of “girls just wanna have fun” lighthearted kind of thing and move on. It should be purchased rarely, if ever, but without shame.
So rip open those pouches, learn a little more about yourself and the way you might harmonize with the world around you, and join me in this recurring column where we will explore the miracle of Bazzini and so many of the other holy wonders to behold in the greatest city on Earth.
I’m talking about the Subway sandwich shop on Ludlow and Grand with undeniable je ne sais quoi. I’m talking about Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar. I’m talking about rainbow bagels. Eating a bag of grapes on the sidewalk. Old magazines featuring people like Keri Russell at the West 4th Street snack stand. I’m talking ABOUT ALL OF IT.
Remember: When I say “GOD!” y’all say “A CIRCLE WHOSE CENTER IS EVERYWHERE!”
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