"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them." —Phyllis Diller

 

"It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, 'Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don't lean back in your chair.' Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along." —Erma Bombeck

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"When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you." —Nora Ephron

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"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley